Joke thread

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[Scotzmen]

Random jokes, post em here.

I like my woman like my coffee, ground up and in the freezer...

[EIRRMod]

I like my coffee like I like my woman.

Two at a time, and in a cup.

[Hicks58]

A wee lass once asked me, 'Why is it if a woman sleeps with a load of men she's a whore, but if a man sleeps with a lot of women he's a stud?'

I said it's quite simple really. A key that can open a lot of locks is a pretty damned nifty key, a master key you might say.

But if a lock can be opened by a lot of keys... Then it's a pretty shitty lock, aye?

[Malgoroth]

How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

[TheVolskinator]

If the red man lives in the red house, and the blue man lives in the blue house, and the green man lives in the green house, who lives in the White House?

A: A black man.

[RoyalHants]

If the red man lives in the red house, and the blue man lives in the blue house, and the green man lives in the green house, who lives in the White House?

A: A black man.

[deadbolt]

A friend told me about how he was going to buy two goldfish; he told me he was going to name them one and two. Out of curiosity i asked "Why?" My friend replied: "Because when one dies atleast i'll have two left"

[PonySlaystation]

Pupil: Is sexual exhaustion an excuse for not doing this week's assignment?

Teacher: No, you'll just have to write with your other hand!

-

Protip: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive young lady in the tent next to yours tells you that because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation for casual sex...
I appear in court next Monday.

[RikiRude]

that lock and keys joke is incredible.

A man walks into a bar and looks around at all the beautiful women inside. He turns to the bartender and boasts, "You know what? I could have sex with any woman in here." and the bartender looks at him skeptically and laughs, "Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" The man smiles and smugly says, "Because I'm a rapist!"

[PonySlaystation]

A postman is retiring, He's making his last delivery, He comes to a big house and the beautiful lady of the house invites him in. She takes him upstairs and they have wild sex, then she gives him a fiver. He asks "What's this for?" she replies "It was my husband's idea, I told him it was you last day, I wanted to give you a tenner but he said "Fuck him,give him a fiver"


-


This time a new soldier is sent to an outpost way out in the middle of the desert. After a couple of weeks he asks the Sarge, What do you do about sex around here? Sarge replies, you can use that camel over there. The soldier declines and goes back to work. After a couple more months he can't take it anymore. So one night he sneaks out to try and screw the camel. The camel makes a big scene and wakes the outpost. The young soldier is in the middle of the the pen with his pants between his legs when the Sarge shows up. While helping the boy up, the sarge dryly explains. Son you don't fuck her, you ride her to town. She knows the way to the whorehouse!


-


An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Rahx]

Nick and Peter meet eachother. So Nick says: "Heey Peter! I'm giving a sexparty tonight. Are you coming?" "Alright, sure," says Peter, "but who are actually coming?"
"Well," says Nick, "if you bring your wife with you, we'll be with three."


btw, nice jokes pony hahahhaha