TorJado
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« on: March 09, 2008, 06:53:09 pm » |
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My friend Adam had just bought a shirt that said I'M HERE FOR THE GANGBANG across the front. He decided to wear it to his friends house to get a laugh. When he grabbed a coat to wear, he grabbed the one he had broken to zipper to the night before while he was high. He had forgotten that fact, and didn't realize it because he didn't even bother to zip up when he left in the first place.
Well, his friend Jesse had EXTREMELY religious parents who were easily offended. They don't tolerate swearing at all, and the family's only computer still had one of those website filter programs installed on it even though he was 17. (Jesse both knew how to get through it though). The good news was that their parents were rarely home on the weekends because they had a cottage about 200 miles away on a lake, and they would always take their little 8 year old daughter with them.
Adam had been at Jesse house earlier that day, and had noticed his parents and sister were gone. He just assumed they were at the cottage. He was expecting them to still be there. When he gets there and is shocked when Jesse's little sister opens the door. He tries to zip up slyly but THE ZIPPER WOULD NOT ZIP. He jammed his hands into his front coat pockets and held them down, effectively closing the jacket and hiding that he may really be there, in fact, for the gangbang.
Adam normally avoids see Jesse's parents, so when they see that he's there they get up to greet him. He started to panic when Jesse's dad reached out to shake his hand, so he turned away from the dad to talk to Jesse's mom, acting like he didn't even notice.
Jesse comes down the steps and greets him, but doesn't notice Adam doing anything suspicious. This is the conversation that follows.
Jesse's dad: What are you two up to tonight?
Jesse: Oh, nothing dad. [ed. note: BIG MISTAKE]
Jesse's dad: We were just about to watch the movie RV. If you two have nothing to do you should join us.
Now, Jesse is a cool guy and all, but he is still, I don't know, innocent? He figures there is nothing else to do tonight (It was snowing pretty hard, and roads were getting bad) and he has been wanting to see it, so he agrees. Adam really starts to panic and says that he has to get going but can't come up with an excuse as to why he has to leave so soon. Finally the mom says "Come on, just give the movie a shot, I know thats why you want to leave. We haven't seen you in forever! At least stay a little while." Reluctantly, Adam, being a nicer guy than I, agrees to stay for a half an hour.
They all start watching the movie, and Adam still has his arms crossed now covering the words. It was easy to cover up sitting down, the problem was how hot he was getting. (Jesse's house was always uncomfortably warm during the winter.) He starts to sweat pretty heavily in his warm jacket and after 15 minutes he begins to worry that he'll start to smell like BO. He can't take it anymore and sends a stealthy text message, and unmutes his phone. It said "call me." He forwarded it to several of his friends hoping that at least one of them would call him back. What Adam didn't take the time to consider was that one of the people he sent it to had the music ringtone FUCK THE PAIN AWAY assigned to him. Here's the lyrics for those of you unfamiliar with it:
Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?
Thankfully, he didn't call first. Adam's phone suddenly rings the Benny Hill Theme, and Adam answers.
Adam: Oh hey, what's up?
Elliot: Nothing, what are you up to.
Adam: What? Oh I'm sorry I completely forgot!
Elliot: What?
Adam: Okay I'll be there in a minute. Bye.
Elliot: What the fuck are...
*click*
Adam puts his hands into his coat pockets again and stands up, and walks straight past the father to avoid the handshake he could possibly be offered in a second. Adam gets to his shoes and starts to put them on and explains he had promised to run an errand for his mom and he had to hurry up and do it. He apologized. As he was bending over tying his shoes, Jesse's mother noticed that Adams shirt had some letters on it. "oh, what's you shirt say?" she asked. He said it didn't say anything and stood up.
The father stood up as well, and reached his hand out to Adam. Adam knew he couldn't avoid it this time, and quickly shook hands with him to get it over with, being careful not to expose the shirt.
Suddenly: "Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time..."
Adam quickly reached into his pocket to silence the phone, and bolted out the door. Jesse called him later and said that his parents were pretty upset for him not having his phone on mute if he had that sort of song on it. Not to mention it was probably the first time either of them had heard the word "titties", which they both found to be HIGHLY degrading to women. What was worse was that now the little 8 year old daughter keeps asking what "titties" are. She knows somethings up.
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