MountainMan
Donator
 Posts: 53
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« on: October 23, 2009, 09:08:11 am » |
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Since all it seems I ever see in the forums is post about abuse and game related subjects I figured I would spread a little cheer. Just to help remind some that we are here to enjoy ourselves and play a game. Hope most of you find it as amusing as I did.
Here goes.
BUFFALO GAP CHILI COOK OFF
For those of you who have lived in West Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Old Settlers Reunion Grounds. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1- MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2- Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2- EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge #2- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge#3- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimliech maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw my face.
CHILI #3- ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all the beer.
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge #3- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. is it possible to burn out your taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300Lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I am eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers do make a strong statement.
Judge #3- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I am burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI #6- VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1- Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2- The best yet. Agressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge #3- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I am worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI #7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. * I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of running water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match the shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting oxygen anyway. If I need air, I will just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2- This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor feller, wonde how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3- No report.
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