Hitlergram # 1
The Scene : A Bunker in BERLIN
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Hitler : VAT!!! Zer glorious Afrika Korps has been taken over by zer muppet show?
??
Goebbels : Ya Mein Fuhrer!
Hitler : Zis iz zer pitz! Brink Rommel to me! I vill demote him to ein strasse sweeper immediately!
Goebbels : But mein Fuhrer he has been taken over by ein Kermit zer frog in ver form of ein flag of brazil!
Hitler : VAT! Somevone has blundered! BUT! Ve vill counter attack wiz ein Panzer Division of Elmo's World und soon all of afrika vill be ours!!!!!!!!!
Goebbels : Fight last man last muppet!
Hitler : Zer last line in zis Hitlergram is mine und mine alone!!!
Hitlergram #2
The scene : A fur-lined Desert Bunker Near Wadi el Krutt
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Just after a RADIO message!
Rommel (for it is he!) : VOT did Mein Fuhrer say?!?!?!?!
Feldwebel Cruntz : He said ve should attack vis zer Elmo's World Division Herr General!
Rommel : Geblunden! Somevon has blundered! I did not sink zat ve had zem! Do ve?
Felwebel Cruntz : You are askink me mein General??
Rommel : Dummkopf! It vas ein rhetorical qvestion! HIC!
Rommel as Kermit zer Frog : Und now Hi zere und velcome to zer Afrika Korps Show!
Felwebel Cruntz : Agh! Mein General - Zer stomache kramps have got vorse! You sound like zer Kermit der Frog!
Rommel : Enough! Order mein Panzers to attack in all directions including upwards! Und bring me zer Kommandant of Zer Elmos World Divizion! I haf an important job for him!
Hitlergram #3
The scene : A bunker in Berlin. Hitler's Private Kharzi.
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Martin Bormann : Mein Fuherer I haff ein message!
Hitler : Can't it vait? I'm busy!
[there is an explosion from within]
Hitler : Mein gott! It is hell in here!
Bormann : It is marked urgent mein Fuhrer!
Hitler : So is this!
Bormann : It is from Rommel!
Hitler : Read it to me at vonce! Und do zer Rommel impression or you vill be shot.
Bormann : Message reads - Have attacked in all directions but our line has been cut and it has all gone in zer mud. Request More washing powder at once! Situation serious and very fluid. Mrs Rommel Sends her regards. Rommel.
Hitler : He has zer fluid situation?
Bormann : Jahwol!
[another, larger explosion]
Hitler : He is not zer only one! Get Goering to airdrop zer vashing powder immediately! Mein Generals Must haff zer Kleen underwear! Only then can mein panzers crush all resistance in Afrika!
Hitlergram #4
The scene : A fur-lined Desert Bunker Near Wadi el Krutt - The hind quarters of the Afrika Corps
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[sound of shelling. Mix through into chickens squawking]
Please note that the sounds of chickens has specially been added for people living in rural districts.
Kapitän Krunze (for he has been promoted): Herr General Rommel! Herr General Rommel! Herr General Rommel where are you?
Rommel: Was ist los?
Kapitän Krunze: Goering has dropped zer Daz from ein whopping great bomber and buggered off!
Rommel: Vonderschoen! Order zer men to vash zer undies! Zis time zere will be no mistakes! Soon my panzers vill crush zer Tommies und zer filthy Briticher socks!
Kapitan Krunze : General! Also zer Elmo division has broken through in the south! Resistance is crumbling!
Rommel : VAT! Zis is zer marvelous news!
Kapitan Krunze : But ve haff ein teensy problem!
Rommel : You dont mean!
Kapitan Krunze : ya!
Rommel : Verdammnt Englanders!
Kapitan Krunze : They haff replaced General Cunninglinctus vis Der General Strafer MeinGott! he has been flying backvards and forwards between Cairo and London!
Rommel : Stop!!!! Zer Engelanders haff zer planes zat can fly backvords?!?! Goering must hear of zis! At vonce!
Hitlergram #5
The Scene : A chateau in Prussia.
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Hitler : Goering! Vere are you? Mein falch Teef have got lost again!
Goering : Mein lovely Fuhrer zey are here - I vas just giffing zem ein polish!
Hitler : Sank heffens for zat! Soon zer prussian sausage I must eat ya!
Goering : But I must brink you zer bad news!
Hitler : Not ein new visit from Mussolini?
??
Goering : Nein Mate! It is zer Britischer luftwaffe! Zey haff developed ein bomber zat flys backvords! Zey use it to fly zer new Briticher general Straifer meinGott to zer pyramids and zer hotel Luxor in Cairo! Also zey can bomb us vile running avay!
Hitler : KREUTSTUFFEL!!! Our Luftwaffe must shoot down zer prototypes! Zen zey will neffer be used again. Does Rommel know?
Goering : Ya mein leibe!
Hitler : Stop zat - Eva will hear und zen it is zer whole night of "You like zer Reich marchall better zan me!!"
Goering : Sorry Mein Fuhrer! But Also zer Elmo division has broken out in zer south!
Hitler : VONDERSCHOEN! Ah! Mein glorious Panzers once more crush all enemy resistance under zere chains!! Shame about zat song though! Soon Cairo vill be mine all MINE hahahahahahhahhahahahahahahahahahahahhh
aaaaaaaaa!
Hitlergram #6
The Scene : A forward position on the foothills of Dolley al Partons.
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Kapitan Krunze : Mein General! I haff good news and zer bad news
Rommel : Vell? Vich is vich! Hurry or you vill be shot!
Kapitan Krunze : Zer good news is zat our fighters acting under zer direct orders of Mustachioed General of Fighters Adolf of zer Gallanders haff shot down Zer Straifer MeinGott.
Rommel : Vonderschoen! And zer bad news?
Kapitan Krunze : Vell, Churchil has Sent General Montgomery played by zer John Mills und Richard Attenborough instead.
Rommel : VAT! KRUNKEL UND ZERBLUTZEN! Montgomery played by zer John Mills und Richard Attenborough?!? Zis could mean curtains for us! It could also mean vindows und doors! Zis General Montgomery must be captured, kiptured, koptured und tortured und also in zat order. Our fighter planes must be ordered to shoot down all planes flying backwards, carrying General Montgomerys played by John Mills und Richard Attenborough.
Kapitan Krunze : Supposing zat one gets through played by Anthony Steele?
Rommel : Anthony Steele is a Monty? Mein Gott! Some casting director has blundered, mein Herrs!
Where Will Rommel Strike Next?
Has Montgomery Played by John Mills Und Richard Attenborough Finally Broken The Line?
Can the AFRIKA KORPS Washing Be Saved?
Will The Smell Of Tommy Atkins Socks Finally Turn The Tide For The Allies?
Find out! In the next EXCITING EPISODES of
ROMMEL! and The MONTIES OF DOOM!!!!! 
